I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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