margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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