Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
