She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
