fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
