I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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