break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
