I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
