I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
