So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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