Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
