He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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