I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
