I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
