Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
as a side note pls kill me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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