i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
