Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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