I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Enjoy the penises
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
