How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love having hate sex.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
