I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
