if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
