i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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