oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
