If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
