Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
