If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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