I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
love makes seman taste better
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
