My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
