let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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