And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
