I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
