there's paper in my vomit.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
