he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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