I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
