here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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