forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
