I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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