Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
