Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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