just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
