I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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