...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
