If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
