Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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