if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
