i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
