speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
