I'll bet she douches with gravy.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
