he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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