i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
