Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I will pee on everything he values.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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