Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
