He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
