I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My vagina is officially offended.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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