it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
