Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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