do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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