just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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