I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
