i think i have herpe
just one?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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